


Past and Future

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mass Effect 3, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 19:36:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7281931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard discovers a bit of information that shakes her to the core.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Past and Future

It felt strange to walk through the long hallway leading to the Spectre Office in the Citadel Embassies, but Kaidan couldn’t help but feel a little tinge of pride at being one of the precious few bestowed with such an honor. It was still taking some getting used to. He hadn’t had much reason to visit beyond curiosity before now, but EDI had informed him of some unusual data coming from the commander at this location and he’d taken that as a cue to check in on her.

He’d gotten there just in time to see a small movement and hear the metallic clanging of a gun being thrown to the floor. Kaidan arched a brow, not anticipating such mistreatment of a weapon. Garrus would have been appalled. Those thoughts flew out of his mind however, once he moved closer to the firing range and saw the commander with her back against the wall, staring with disdain at the gun she’d just discarded. She slid downward, seemingly crumpling under her own weight until she sat on the floor and hid her face behind her arms and knees.

The sight of it raised flags of alarm in his mind. She wasn’t the type to be easily ruffled at bad news or a terrible meeting or anything else she might have encountered since they docked on the Citadel. Under most circumstances, it would have been a good idea to leave her to deal with her anger alone, but something so uncharacteristic had him worried.

“Everything okay?” His movements were smooth and calm as he entered the range despite his nerves being on edge. If nothing else, he wanted her to know he was available if she wanted to talk. She could send him away if she so chose.

The look on her face when she turned her gaze up to him nearly made his heart stop. There was something about it that he simply couldn’t place. Her expression rested somewhere between rage and grief, and he immediately knew that something had gone very, very wrong.

There was no way he was leaving now.

Shepard said nothing. Her fingers raked up and back through her hair as she struggled, but no explanation was offered. He extended a hand to help her to her feet, but she feebly shook her head and curled into herself even tighter.

Kaidan wasn’t sure what to do. A thousand different possibilities for this reaction flew through his mind in moments, and he swallowed hard. He didn’t want to leave her all alone but also didn’t want to pry. He decided, at last, to pick up the gun and check it for damage. As he stooped, he silently noted the condition of the target, obliterated by wild shots. The commander was usually quite precise. She was an excellent marksman, but no one would have known by the results on the target.

“Miranda sent me a message,” she croaked at last, peering over her arms at him with the rest of her face hidden.

“Something wrong? Does she know what The Illusive Man is up to, by chance?” He stopped, then, suddenly wondering if Miranda or some other friend of Shepard’s was dead. He knew despair triggered by loss when he saw it, after all. What if Miranda had sent a final message before her demise?

A long silence stretched between them before Shepard managed to find the strength or clarity or will to continue. “She apologized. After all the help I’ve tried to give her with her sister and everything else that’s been happening, she said she felt guilty for not sharing some information with me sooner.”

Kaidan wasn’t sure what he’d expected, really, but this hadn’t been it. He did wonder, however, what sort of information the former Cerberus operative had suddenly elected to share. “Alright, well, at least she’s alive and well,” the Major answered, trying to find a silver lining on whatever awful, dark cloud that loomed over Shepard.

She took a deep, steadying breath before continuing. Her eyes drifted away from him to stare blankly ahead as she explained. “Initially she thought it would have been a distraction on the mission to destroy the collector base. Then, later, she elected to stay quiet in order to protect me.”

Kaidan shook his head slowly as he listened. It sounded like typical Cerberus nonsense to him. “I’m guessing it’s about you, then. Something about how they put you back together?” It just figured that they’d keep information secret that might detract from the mission at hand or the ultimate, twisted goals of Cerberus. Even if that information didn’t rightly belong to them.

A barely perceptible nod followed that statement and the Commander buried her face into her arms again for a moment, as though she was debating whether or not to continue. Kaidan merely turned the gun idly over in his hands and waited. He was quite content to wait forever for her.

“Miranda said that since I helped her with her sister, she’d been thinking more about the importance of family,” Shepard continued, raising her eyes to study him. “And that I should have been allowed to properly mourn the loss of my own.”

Kaidan cocked his head to the side as he processed the words. She was staring intently at him through bloodshot eyes. While he hadn’t seen a tear fall, he was sure that she was on the brink of breaking down, and it made his heart ache. Shepard didn’t have much of a family left, he knew, and she typically considered her friends as such instead. She’d lost some along the way, of course, but somehow that didn’t seem like what Miranda had meant. Something about it made him very uneasy. “The loss of your family? I’m not sure I–”

“I was pregnant when the Normandy went down over Alchera, Kaidan,” her voice shook as she rather unexpectedly blurted the words.

That news hit him square in the chest like no bullet ever had. He almost stumbled under the force of it. His eyes went wide with shock for a moment before he reminded himself that he had to be strong and take it in stride. Breaking down now wasn’t going to help himself or Shepard.

“I… see,” he murmured as he moved closer and took a seat beside her against the wall. He let the gun rest on the floor next to him as he threw an arm around the commander. She needed him to be supportive and understanding. He knew that and he wanted to be, but he was rightfully shocked and suddenly devastated.

The two of them sat in silence for a long while, each lost in their own thoughts for a time while they digested the information. Kaidan could understand now why Miranda would have remained quiet on this, even though it was wrong. He was actually thankful he hadn’t known previously. It had been hard enough for him to cope with the loss of Shepard over Alchera. Knowing that she’d been carrying his child at the time would surely have killed him. At least now he had one of them back.

She was trembling under his arm. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “If I’d known, I would have taken better care–”

“Shhh,” Kaidan responded, pulling her closer. There were tears in his eyes now, too, as he relived the final moments of the SR-1 in his mind. “There’s no sense in dwelling on things that can’t be changed. I would have done a lot of things differently if given a second chance, but it’s useless to beat yourself up over it, believe me.”

He could feel her shuddering breaths, but there were still no tears. Focusing his thoughts on her wellbeing as opposed to the crushing loss they’d never known about until now, he realized that nothing had prepared them for this. They were grieving parents. It was a fascinating, terrible, and shocking thing. He rubbed his hand soothingly over her back as he searched for the right words to console her. While they hadn’t discussed the specifics of starting a family at the time, he knew she would have been both intimidated and thrilled at the news back then. But now… how could one comfort a mother who didn’t know she was one until she’d already lost her child?

“She would have been almost three by now,” Shepard muttered.

“She?” Kaidan quietly inquired as he wondered what his daughter would have looked like. With any luck, she would have been a spitting image of her mother.

“Yeah. Miranda gave me the full report. They found out everything through DNA analysis, including the fact that you were the father. I think she knew you were back with the Normandy, too, and that probably influenced her decision on letting me know the whole truth.”

“Well, let’s finish this war so that the rest of our kids have a chance to live in a peaceful world,” Kaidan said before pressing a kiss to the top of her head. She couldn’t see the sad but wistful smile creeping across his lips as he willed himself to keep it together and hold on to hope.

“The rest?” she repeated, resting her head in the crook of his neck as they awkwardly intertwined on the floor of the firing range.

“All seventy-four of them,” he answered with a chuckle.

Her reluctant laughter at the ridiculous number was the most beautiful sound in the universe.


End file.
